Why this is the most unhelpful advice to say to someone who seems lacking in outwardly noticeable confidence
The more I hear this, the worse it gets. “It” not necessarily being confidence, but more the tediousness of the “advice”.
On hearing this I would often flip into a deep sarcasm of, “Thanks! If only someone else had told me throughout the years that being more confident would make everything better….! Genius! You should be a coach!”
Followed by, “I’ll just find that switch in the control room of my brain to flick on and then all my problems will be solved!”
Except the one in the control room does nothing. I think it’s connected to a safety override switch. In an archive room. In the basement. No signs pointing the way. With no windows. In an unmarked, locked box. And no-one knows where the key is.
I guess I’ll just have to fumble around the darkened room with a crowbar…
These days, I seldom (but still occasionally) get really rather frustrated with people who seemingly had this mysterious quality of confidence, and of gravitas, who would tell me to be the same way.
These days it’s more that I feel like saying “You wouldn’t understand.” With added resting bitch face.
“You just need to be more confident.”
If you feel an urge to tell someone they “just” need to be more confident, know that they have more than likely tried. A lot. Years of a lot. Think of a lot of something, multiply it by a power of say 6 (to be clear that’s {{a lot}^6}, not {{a lot}x6}). That’s a LOT. Their “a lot” will still be vastly more than that amount you just imagined. They have over the years probably analysed and research what confidence is and how to attain it, attended courses on it, tried things like learning public speaking, tried getting into jobs which would be surrounded with confident people from which to learn their dark art secrets with the sadly and frustratingly misguided belief that once they have cracked the(ir) code to get it, it will be in their hands forever. It must be that easy to just be more confident. Just need to find the mental switch. They will have tried every conceivable method they think would give a method to learn to be/have/get confident.
If you, you with a natural confidence have never felt or really understood what it is to feel anxiety or indeed why anxiety exists in a person then, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be condescending, but you simply cannot understand.
“You just need to be more confident.”
Understanding lack of confidence for the confident
(Aside: A playlist for background music whilst reading this and thinking about what this means for you who may be searching for an understanding how to tell others to fuck off why it’s not that simple when they tell you to be more confident. It’s what I’m listening to on shuffle as I attempt to get the internal fount of experiential thoughts on this out on screen)
Holding onto confidence is, for some of us, like holding onto dry sand. I was going to say “snow” as snow or rather ice crystals disintegrate easily and quickly, but they can also be crushed until a cold, solid clump is formed which is impenetrable and lasts quite a while. The analogies therein… The crushing weight of having the sensational joy of being alive being squeezed out of you by normal, apparently confident people living in the world forming an ice-cold, hard, solid lump…. That’s a bit heavy for the day. So yeah let’s go with sand. Confidence is like holding onto dry sand. No lime or water in sight to help it solidify for the longer term. Sure, maybe each individual grain of sand is a solid but together they move as if uncapturable liquid. (It turns out that is actually a word; it’s in dictionaries).
As I have noted in other writings, and as was pointed out to me by "guides” in the past the root of the C word is “trust”, or more specifically “trust thyself”.
So, how to trust thy self? As I type, there’s a desire in me to understand and define “trust” in this context.
I wonder if those of us who seemingly lack outward confidence feel that the issue isn’t so much about actual confidence or trusting the selves, but is more a result of not having answers from a range of introspective, deep analysis and “what if?” scenarios flowing forth from innate anxiety. Some of us are naturally more anxious than others. It’s a great survival instinct, albeit unhelpfully overactive at times. There’s fuck all we can do about it no matter how much we try to learn to rein it in. A complex set of internal questions. A sense of not knowing what others are thinking and feeling which then affects how one presents oneself to those people. “What if they hate me? What if I’m stupid? What if I stumble over one word? What if I sound weird?" ad infinitum. I’m aware this is a defence mechanism at least in myself, which in turns comes from experiences of varying degrees of traumatic events in the past. Desires to not upset others lest the reaction be unfavourable. I even want to define “traumatic” as I internally compare past unfavourable events with other peoples much much darker traumas, which serves to instantly negate the acknowledgment of my/one’s own trauma responses. Not helpful. There’s an internal “emotional logic” of hypotheses to test in the present environment’s circumstances which are often based on previous experiences, often resulting in failure to correctly predict outcomes of challenges and interactions with other people, often by way of demands from peers, parents, teachers, colleagues, those in leadership/powerful positions all of which can painfully affect one’s status quo (levels of stress)
Examples:
“If X circumstances exist, then saying Y with Z intonation should theoretically result in a positive outcome.” (Eg “yes, boss.” = keep job)
“If I say F with C intonation (eg if I assertively say ‘no’ to someone’s request to do something quicker, or in addition to current work demands, despite already having a list of my own tasks arranged for the day, more efficiently, based on their internal and unspoken definitions of efficient, then that will probably result in a negative outcome for me, even though I don’t want to say anything other than a no, so I guess I will just live with the stress of not sticking to my values as it’s easier".)
The above going on for years endlessly resulting in a sense of never being heard, of never having one’s own needs accommodated and generally feeling "oh no not this again". Not helpful in building the illusive confidence. Worse when one does try to say no or utter one’s own needs out loud to set one’s own boundaries of right and wrong only to be ignored and actively negated with punishments of some description.
Also, individual humans don’t follow hypotheses within the infinite kaleidoscope of individuals’ life experiences. So current circumstances may very well result in different outcomes. “Maybe this time, I will get what I actually need.” So when it doesn’t result in the desired outcome, that set of circumstances gets added to the internal rolodex of examples to refer to next time and slowly, insidiously, confidence is suppressed. Along with all the associated emotions. For the sensitive, emotional people, this doesn’t just result in lack of confidence, it creates darker senses of being unworthy, unimportant, lacking in value, a burden even. “Sorry for bothering you”. A desire to not take up space or time. Apologies if this is a bit too dark for you. Unfortunately, there is a darker writing piece in me which I keep considering writing out loud in case it proves to be cathartic, but I keep avoiding as perhaps it’s too self-indulgent. And perhaps a lingering sense that it’s not really that bad, or important, comparatively. Certainly not valuable to you, dear reader. Probably.
“You just need to be more confident”
I remember a frustration in school (and throughout life) the deep confusion of getting something wrong - ranging from a school test to an argument with a friend or partner to an admonishment from those in hierarchical “superior” positions - without anyone really explaining why the result was “wrong”. A sense of, “If you don’t explain, how am I supposed to learn?” So many times over the years, the explanations never came, only the negative outcomes and the wrongness remained until a way was found to mostly let go. The sense of failure lingers in the background waiting to come to the fore when a similar situation in the mental rolodex of situational awareness examples to which on can refer to.
Internal reasoning voice, “How am I supposed to know what is wanted if you don’t explain it precisely? Well, I guess there is a ‘normal’ level of expectation of a task being said/done in a way that the vast majority of people can understand - otherwise the world would be functioning a lot less well than it currently does, so therefore it must be me that’s the problem.”
That gets embedded very solidly. Like crushed snow. Yes, I’m aware of the snowflake labels, thanks.
“You just need to be more confident”
Confidence isn’t a switch
The way I see confidence is more akin to a attaching a bike to a dynamo and flywheel arrangement, which powers a battery, from which the light draws energy.
I have had periods of time where I have felt confident - sometimes it’s been a shining light; sometimes it got too bright and blinded myself to my actions as I tipped into arrogance and dickheadness. I have done things I regret because of unbridled confidence. To be frank, I am sometimes anxious of being outwardly confident lest it be unleashed uncontrollably. That’s never healthy. Balance is key. I’m still finding the skill of how to hold onto some sand - my retreat into my hermitage here is part of that, and I have confidence in this space as it is increasingly defined by my self, my own needs, wants, boundaries.
Also understanding what confidence is to your own self is key. Inner and outer. Internal sources of self trust and self confidence vs external. Internally knowing you’ve got a result you want based on your own values vs getting a pat on the back and scooby snack rewards from those in positions of power. The ridiculousness of being awarded an extra paid hour break in minimal wage jobs for hitting one’s KPIs seems ludicrously patronising as if rewarding a primary school child with an extra gold star for good behaviour. I am bemused by those who react with this with a “Thanks very much, boss!” Is that what the world has come to? Fuck, no. “It’s not prison” as I was told by one manager in a previous job - are you sure? The “joy” of an extra hour away from the screen sure feels like prison… An extra hour in the yard in natural daylight. Cool. Yeah no. I will define what a “good job” is, thanks all the same.
Back to the dynamo powered light. Pedal too hard for too long on the dynamo and the flywheel may very well keep turning, but eventually it become exhausting, one will run out of the emotional energy to maintain momentum causing physiological and psychological burnout, potentially depression and a range of physiological negative effects. Don’t go there. Then the momentum will slow down and cease. The effort needed to get the momentum of confidence going again can be incrementally exhausting. “Oh no, not this again”. We have to find a level where it’s possible to coast - a gentle push of the foot forward to maintain levels of happiness and trust in the self, of internal peace and confidence without causing stresses and strains on the self, or on other parts of the system. Just do little tasks to make little movements at your own pace. Hard to do in the world of work where external demands are ever increasingly put upon us, of course. I am painfully aware of this reality. Move, get a different job, educate anyone who will listen, do whatever you can to shift the current level of invisibility and external ignorance of how you feel vs what is demanded of you. But I digress.
Shut up and ask
For those of you who ever stumble across this - if you ever ever EVER feel an urge to say to someone “You just need to be more confident”, please please please, I implore you to shut the fuck up. Sorry to be blunt, but zip it before it escapes your lips. I know it can be hard as saying things like “be more confident” are like an impulse, knee-jerk reaction to someone else’s despondency. You want to be helpful, but don’t have the time to be someone’s counsellor, right?
But it’s not remotely helpful and smacks of you not really giving a shit about the person you’re saying it to. It sounds like “I don’t know what else to say”. So say nothing. At least not a statement.
What might change someone’s future (and your own - the other person may become a loyal friend and advocate for you if you try these things) is to stop, prepare to take some time out of you own life and job and ask,
“What do you need? What can I do to help you build the confidence?”
Questions are eternally powerful and if you can prove to the recipient that you genuinely care about helping them, give them the time, space and silence to actively consider what will be beneficial to them. It may take days. If they say after a pause (where they are probably deciding whether to trust you or not), “I don’t know”, let them have the time to come to you with some suggestions. Consider if you can accommodate that in your life and/or the work environment, negotiate honestly and openly (I know, that feels like a lot to ask of you). If you can give them that space, time, active consideration and flexibility, I promise you you will change them, you will change yourself also. Even if you can’t accommodate the needs but can honestly and openly and maturely explain why not, that still helps. Every time you can hold space for another person, a seemingly unconfident one, you are helping. At an extreme end, you might even save their life. It will almost certainly change their life as this is such a pattern interrupt from the normal things people say.
